How the National Geographic Channel Has Ruined My Life:
-Can’t plan trip to Australia because of tiny Irukandji jellyfish that, if even a millimeter of skin touches one, you will suffer excruciating pain throughout your entire body and die.
-Can’t go to Bronx Zoo without worrying about a) catching Ebola virus from monkeys or b) being stomped to death by angry, rampaging elephant.
-Afraid to stay in NYC because it’s only a matter of time before Island of La Palma slides into Atlantic Ocean, spawning 100-foot mega-tsunami that will devastate entire eastern seaboard.
-Can’t flee to midwest because of possible F-7 mega-tornadoes caused by global warming. Would move to west coast except for inevitable magnitude-10 earthquake and Pacific Ocean tsunamis. Might have to move to Canada.
-Can’t move to Canada because of recent SARS outbreak.
-Afraid to leave apartment during head cold for fear of being “Patient Zero” in worldwide flu pandemic.
-Afraid to go to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade because Nazis may have sabotaged the Garfield balloon, causing it to immolate in 34 seconds like the Hindenburg.
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