Diary of a Hangover

Saturday, June 3, 2006

5:45 am
Alarm. Wake up fully clothed on top of covers. Curse 7 am shift. Wonder if possible to kill self with ibuprofen since have no other pills on hand. Go back to sleep.

6:15 am
Open eyes, check time. Go back to sleep.

6:40 am
Consider calling in sick, but can’t since called in sick last week.

6:42 am
Haul self out of bed. Change clothes, brush teeth, forego contacts.

6:47 am
Lie down for five more minutes.

7:02 am
Leave house.

7:03 am
Find crumpled dollar bills in bag, pray there is enough money to take cab.

7:04 am
Enter subway.

7:05 am
Contemplate throwing self on tracks.

7:27 am
Arrive at work. Dig through bag to find ID. Empty entire contents of bag onto floor. Call overnight guy to sign me in since ID seems to have disappeared.

8:03 am – 9:17 am
Copy stories from archive in lieu of writing new ones. Rest head on desk. Drink water.

9:21 am
Realize can probably leave when co-worker comes in at 10:00.

9:58 am
Sit very, very still to avoid vomiting.

10:12 am
Tell self it’s okay to leave six hours early because worked two extra hours last night. Also, is possible have virus, wouldn’t want anyone else to catch it.

10:17 am
Get cab money out of ATM near office. Walk upstairs because escalator is broken as usual.

10:18 am
Decide to walk to Eighth Ave. to get cab going uptown. Accept fact throwing up is inevitable.

10:19 am
Puke behind parked car on 48th Street.

10:19 am
Twice.

10:19 am
Wipe nose with ATM receipt.

10:24 am
Get into taxi while chunks of vomit nest in nose, mingling with smells of air freshener and cab driver B.O.

10:33 am
Run in to Dad in lobby of apartment building who rolls eyes and shakes head.

10:34 am
Crawl into bed.

2:02 pm
Slowly regain consciousness. Decide crackers might settle stomach, but they are all the way in kitchen. Beg cat to get crackers. Tell cat if she doesn’t get crackers, she is cut off from Fancy Feast.

2:08 pm
Tell cat she is going to pound as soon as I feel better.

2:37 pm
Settle onto couch with crackers. Try to check email but words keep jumping around screen.

2:39 pm
Go back to bed.

4:26 pm
Wake up from nap. Muster strength to retrieve crackers from coffee table. Take crackers to bed with towel to catch crumbs. Reminisce about similar situation freshman year of college, involving bed, chicken wings and towel. Realize have serious problem.

5:23 pm
Extremely thirsty. Think about how good ginger ale would be. Don’t even bother asking cat to go to store because she is a lazy little bitch.

5:35 pm
Think it’s possible could make it to store now. Soup would be good too.

5:47 pm
Get dressed, leave house.

5:48 pm
Walk around corner to store.

5:50 pm
Buy ginger ale, iced coffee and two kinds of soup.

5:55 pm
Arrive home. Deposit groceries in kitchen. Lie down.

6:17 pm
Feel well enough from soup and ginger ale therapy to turn on TV.

7:48 pm
Watch Red Sox, eat greasy Thai food.

7:49 pm
Think about what I’ve learned from experience and consider becoming Mormon so won’t be tempted by demon tequila again.

7:50 pm
Realize probably wouldn’t be very good Mormon, so might as well have a beer.