Runner? I Don't Even Know 'Er

I'm back, bitches.

You're welcome.

So, apparently there's something about December that makes me act like I have a head injury. Last year it was boot camp, which turned out to be surprisingly ok, if expensive. This year I've decided to think about considering training for the NJ half-marathon in May.

I know, I know. Shut up. I hate running, I hate runners and I hate charities that don't involve me or animals. I mean, seriously - how is my running 13 miles is going cure anybody of anything (besides curing me of wanting to do something retarded like running 13 miles for no reason)? I also think the world would be much better served if the fundraising money were going to an actual good cause like prosecco or season tickets to the Red Sox.

That being said, I'm sick of looking like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloon and I hate the gym and I can't afford to pay $300 per month for boot camp. Until Mike Lowell steps up and starts paying for my personal trainer, this is my only recourse to get in shape. Plus it has the side benefit of allowing me to be smug ("Sorry, can't go to your baby shower, I have to get up early and run for CANCER"). It could also help channel my rage in a healthier way than, say, opening fire at Starbucks.

The benefit for you, the reader, is you get to give me money (for charity... yeah, that's it - charity) and in return you get to see me looking ridiculous in public (more so than usual), which I intend to document (possibly). Win-win.*

*Okay someone just told me this involves 8:00 runs on Saturday mornings in the winter. Problematic.

Well, all I am committing to right now is the information session on Wednesday which is being held in a bar, so how bad could it be? Right. I'm sure it will be super fun.

12 Days of Bitchness

On the 12th day of Christmas, Mikey Lowell gave to me...


12 Obama posters



11 hours on Facebook



10 puerile comments


9 pseudo beaches


8 "It's on you, Babe"s


7 winning beagles


6 guys named "Jimmy"


5 trips 'round San Juan


4 whiffle balls


3 dead mice


2 douchey hats


And a black eye with a bruised cheek

Das Boot*

I recently suffered a stroke and decided to sign up for a 5:30 am fitness boot camp. Let’s put aside the fact it’s at 5:30 am for now (but have I mentioned that I don’t do mornings? That the last time I voluntarily got up early was never?) and let’s discuss the fact that I am so out of shape that I get chest pains reading the words “boot camp.” No, really. Chest pains. That radiate down my left arm. And let’s talk about how I got beat up in gym class (or would have if I’d ever gone), and how I was ALWAYS picked last at camp (don’t even get me started on camp) and how the last time I actually exerted myself was when I pushed an old lady out of the way to get a subway seat.

What in holy hell was I thinking?

Boot camp doesn’t start until Dec. 1, but I got my first email from instructor “Stacy” today. Stacy sounds very strident. (Then again, what did I expect my boot camp drill sergeant to sound like, rainbows and kittens?) Stacy likes to write in ALL CAPS a lot and has a moral objection to juice (“avoid juice. And that means always, not just on camp days.”). That’s kind of scary. I mean, what did juice ever do to her? Did juice burn down her house, kill her family and rape her pets? I may not be the biggest fan of juice (unless it’s paired with vodka), but I don’t have anything against it. And if she’s anti-juice, I seriously doubt she’ll approve of Amstel Light. Is she going to shame and bully me until I become one of those people who only orders water at dinner? Will I one day go to a party and nurse a single wine spritzer the whole night? I don’t know about this. I mean getting up a 4:45 am is one thing, but becoming a teetotaler is another thing entirely.

Also, Stacy says I have to make short-term goals for the first week, such as “I will show up to camp every day” and “I will not eat out during the first week.” Unfortunately, I already have plans to eat out every night the first week. So my goals will be have to be more along the lines of “I won’t order from Lenny’s more than once a day” and “I will only drink white wine and vodka because clear liquors are healthier.”

Yeah, I can see how this might not work. But I’m going to try it, and lucky for you, I’ve decided to come out of retirement to chronicle it (just like Brett Favre!). (Don’t thank me, accolades make me uncomfortable.) Since it doesn’t start until Dec. 1, I have ten days to eat and drink as much as possible. If you need me, I’ll be at Lenny’s.

*Yes, I'm aware that "boot" actually means "boat" and not "boot."

Sick and Tired

Now that I have a normal schedule, I’ve been looking for some kind of evening volunteer opportunity to supplement my TV watching. Problem is, I don’t really like sick people or poor people or rich snotty people. Isn’t there a non-profit dedicated to beer drinking and baseball watching? Because damn if I wouldn’t be really good at that.

Speaking of charities, I’m so sick of all these “Walk for My Vagina” charity events that clog up Central Park every weekend. I don’t understand how a bunch of assholes wearing pink boas and taking up all the seats on the C train is going to cure cancer, but then what do I know. If I ever catch a life-threatening disease (which I will, because I constantly make fun of them), I’m asking my friends to please hold a giant kegger at Rosemont Park instead of annoying everyone on the planet with a “when I’m an old lady I’ll wear purple” bullshit charity walk.

Whatever. Don’t email me. I already know I’m going to hell.

McSteamy

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who called and emailed to make sure I was okay during the GIANT DEADLY EXPLOSION that rocked Manhattan yesterday. And by “all of you” I mean “nobody.” It warms my heart to know there is so much care and concern for my well-being. To think, I almost went to the Bath & Body Works on Lex and 45th yesterday, but didn’t. And now I might never be able to, thanks to the CLOUD OF CARCINOGENS choking the city. But that’s okay. I understand that you are busy with your own lives. Not to mention “Law and Order” was on last night, and let’s face it, if you don’t catch that the first time it airs, you’re screwed.

No, I totally understand. I mean, I’ve been away so long, I might as well have never existed. It’s like, “Kate? Did I know her? Was she blonde?” That’s okay. You all just go along with your lives and don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. All I ask is you check the obits for my name once in awhile.

Hall of Shame

You've heard of True Yankees, but what about True Yankee Fans? Are you obsessed with Derek Jeter? Do you remember nothing that happened before 1996? Is your name Vinnie? Take this test and find out if you are a True Yankee Fan.

True or False:

1. Boston sucks
2. The answer to any baseball argument is "the Yankees have 26 rings"
3. The Yankees won all 26 rings between 1996-2000
4. Babe Ruth prevented the Red Sox from winning the World Series between 1919-2004
5. Mets fans are fags
6. Manny Ramirez is a punk
7. 2004 never happened
8. Derek Jeter is the best player ever

Multiple Choice:

1.When is it appropriate to mention 1978?

a) While watching VH-1's I Love the '70s
b) When discussing the premiere date of the movie Grease
c) Anytime the Red Sox are more than two games up
d) All of the above

2. What is the proper way to catch a routine fly ball during a meaningless game in early July?

a) Line up the glove and your body with the ball. Point your fingers to the sky with your palm facing the ball. Extend your arm, keeping it slightly bent with the elbow down
b) Run towards it, but let it go foul
c) Take a running leap, pirouette, dive head first into the stands. Stand up bleeding from every orifice and pump your fist

3. Derek Jeter:

a) Has calm eyes
b) Is full of Intangibles
c) Is heterosexual
d) All of the above

4. Best part of going to a game at Yankee Stadium?

a) Monument Park
b) Mystique and Aura
c) Skanky hos from Jersey

5. Which sentence is correct?

a) "Yo, me'n Vinnie's goin' t'da game t'mah. Youse shoul' come."
b) "Vinnie and I are going to the game tomorrow. We'd be delighted to have you join us."
c) "Fuck you."

Short Answer:

1. Explain what it means to be a True Yankee. List three players and describe the exact moment they became a True Yankee.

2. What's your favorite thing about Derek Jeter?

3. Name one Yankee who played before 1996 (hint: Jeggie Rackson).

Essay:

Which of the following is most important: Pride, Power or Pinstripes? Why? How do Derek Jeter's intangibles contribute?

Extra Credit:

How many rings does Derek Jeter have? (Be careful, this is a tricky one!)