Sunday, May 02, 2010

Putin on the Ritz

Speaking of war crimes, which we weren’t (although I was in my head), I just spent the weekend writing a paper about Chechnya. Oy to the fucking vey on that.

Writing papers SUCKS. I feel like I just passed a kidney stone, except a kidney stone would be less painful. I hate the whole process. You do Internet research, read reams of boring shit, start out with a fairly good idea (which I know from last year is more than half the battle – hello, serfs!), but having to actually put it into words is a fucking nightmare. At one point you’re like “this is so easy and awesome, I’ll be done in an hour” and then twenty minutes later you read what you’ve written and you’re like “this sucks cock, I need to start over.”

I locked myself in my apartment at 5:30 pm on Friday and didn’t emerge until 6:30 on Sunday. I feel like a heroin addict. But the good news is, I will absolutely ROCK the Chechnya category in Trivial Pursuit at the Cape this summer.

Wait – we’re not going to the Cape this year? Fuck.

Monday, April 26, 2010

MY New York, Bitches

Every Sunday the Post interviews a celeb about his or her favorite spots in New York. A few weeks ago they interviewed Peggy Olsen from Mad Men and I was VERY excited to learn that she goes to the knitting store in my neighborhood, which means that Don Draper and I are practically dating.

Anyway, since the Post has been dragging its feet about contacting me, I took the liberty of making my own map.



1. Rudy’s Bar and Grill
9th Ave. & 44th St.

They have free hot dogs and cheap pitchers. There’s a fiberglass pig out front. The last time I was there, I met a guy with his name (Franklin) tattooed on his arm. What more do you need? Stop reading and go there now.

2. The Hairy Monk

3rd Ave & 25th St.

This is where I watched the Red Sox win the World Series in 2004 and it’s still my favorite Red Sox bar. There's a strong possibility I appeared on Japanese TV here during the 2007 playoffs.

3. Two Little Red Hens bakery

2nd Ave. & 86th St.

The best cupcakes in town. (And chocolate chip cookies.)

4. Cowgirl

Hudson St. b/n Charles & 10th

Excellent margaritas, although they are a little too strong for a certain someone I know.

5. Bistro Les Amis

Thompson St. & Spring St.

My FAVORITE restaurant in the city.

6. Riverside Park


Central Park is infested with tourists, demon children on scooters and annoying Upper West Siders. I wouldn’t be caught dead there in the summer (unlike Jennifer Levin). Instead, I recommend Riverside Park. While you have to deal with many shirtless, rollerblading geriatrics, it’s right on the water and you can pretend you’re on the Cape. Also, it has the Boat Basin CafĂ© which is super fun.

7. Lenny’s

Columbus Ave. & 84th St.

What can I say. Lenny’s owns me.

Friday, April 23, 2010

End Run


To the surprise of absolutely no one, my dreams of New Jersey Half-Marathon glory were over before they even started. I mean, I lasted all through December so that has to be some kind of record. To be fair, I do have some kind of random radiating foot pain that makes it hurt to walk to the subway, let alone run 13 miles. It's just not right that we live in a world where, if you tell people you’re running a half-marathon to cure cancer, you’re a hero, but if you tell them you drank your weight in tequila last night, you’re some kind of degenerate. Runners are just as addicted to their vice as I am to mine. PLUS, I don’t clog up central park every weekend my empty wine bottles. It's just really, really unfair.

ANYWAY, my next feat, which doesn’t involve shaking people down for cash (I mean, unless you want to donate to my cause, I’m certainly amenable), is to visit every Red Sox bar in New York before the end of the season. By my initial count, there are 11 RS bars in the greater NYC area, including Brooklyn and Hoboken (who knew!).

My first stop will be the Hairy Monk in the next 10 days. Stay tuned.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Lone Wolf

Today was my second Saturday morning “group” practice so naturally I skipped it. I mean, I’m totally down with running four miles (and by “running” I mean “gasping for breath” and “dry heaving”), but I fail to see why this has to take place at 8:30 on a Saturday morning. I also have a problem with the “group” part of the group training session. How am I supposed to live up to my reputation as a crazed loner if I am flitting around with hundreds of former cheerleaders in full makeup who are way too excited to be outside at 8:30 on a 30-degree Saturday morning? The obvious answer is, I’m not. Like Rocky, I train alone. Which, by the way, I’ve been doing for a whole week now and have nothing to show for it except a bad attitude and a groin injury.

Speaking of groin injuries:

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Too Much, Too Soon

I’m Robert, your TNT Staff coordinator for the New Jersey Marathon and Half Marathon! I don’t think I could be more excited to work with you this season and cheer you on come Event Day!

Really?? You couldn’t be more excited?

Ok, I know he means well, but you can’t expect my black Grinch heart to grow 10 sizes on day one. In two months I might be so crazed on endorphins I will be spearheading a trip to Guyana, but for now, his unnecessary exclamation points are stressing me out.

It's on

Sooooo, went to the info sesh last night and against my better judgment, decided to sign up for the half-mare. (Hey, offer me a free t-shirt and I’m yours forever.) It’s not the first time I’ve made a decision in a bar that I will probably regret and most likely not the last. But it’s for a good cause. Namely: me getting in shape and finding a husband. Okay, maybe not the latter, because I doubt there are many would-be marathoners who run a 25-minute mile, but now that I’m an athlete Mike Lowell will for sure notice me and maybe my next event can be in whatever city he gets traded to.

The only issue I have so far, besides not even being able to run a mile at the moment (details, details), is that they are pushing this whole fundraising ponzi scheme a little too much for my liking. Like, hello! It’s called Team in Training, not Team in Selling Amway. How about sending me some info on how you expect me to actually RUN 13 miles instead of sending me 25 pages reminding me I have to raise $2,500. I know I have to raise $2,500. My plan is to pester and annoy everyone I know for money every day until I reach that goal. So pony up, people, or it’s going to be long winter. (I mean come on, just the visual alone of me trying to run ANY distance is worth at least $100 off the bat.)

Details to come on how YOU can help me, and, you know, save lives and shit. (I mean, for real, do you want to be responsible for all those people who died of cancer because you didn’t donate? I didn’t think so.)