Not Babylon

Blech. It’s damp, it’s cold, the Red Sox just got swept by the freakin Blue Jays and my phone hasn’t rung in 48 hours. I have no choice but to drink wine straight from the bottle and listen to David Gray.

I love New York, I love my apartment, but my fondue set is sitting in the top cupboard, lonely and sad, while the bottle opener makes fun of it, like, “Dude, why don’t you come out once in a while?” The fondue set is all, “Don’t worry about ME, I’m FINE here by myself. I don’t need anyone.” I admire the fondue set's bravado, but the fact remains you can’t have fondue by yourself and the Snoop can’t hold a fork.
***
I am boycotting Starbucks because on the two occasions I went into the one near my house, there was nowhere to sit. On top of it, their coffee sucks. That steaming, fetid puddle on the 59th St. subway tracks? Better than Starsucks. I don’t know if you can boycott a place you rarely go to in the first place, but I am.
***
I got sucked in to the Melrose Place True Hollywood Story today, and I found out that Brian Heidik, who played the pool boy (I guess), owes his success on Survivor Thailand to his role on the MP, because of all the maneuvering and conniving that went on (not by his character, per se, but uh, by the other ones). It warms my heart to know that so much good could come from one little TV show.
***
If I hear ONE MORE WORD about Jeets' catch, that he should've let the other guy get in the first place, I will strap myself with explosives and get on the A train.*

*DISCLAIMER: Dear Mr. Chertoff, I’m not really going to strap myself with explosives and get on the A train. For one thing, I don’t even know where to get explosives.

Top Five CDs To Listen To If You're Feeling Sorry For Yourself Because You're Alone In NYC

5. The Carpenters
4. America
3. Jim Croce
2. David Gray
1. Dan Fogelburg

Joe Lies

I just watched St Elmo's Fire for the 8,098th time (on WE, thank you very much), and the "brat packers" (who were 37 in 1985) are supposed to be 21-22 in that movie, but they act like they're older than I am now.

Like in the scene where Ally Sheedy takes the day off from work to go get her albums from Judd Nelson's (Judd Nelson, right?) apartment after she sleeps with Andrew McCarthy (another stellar performance by Mr. McCarthy, by the way), she's wearing a floor-length skirt and the ever-present I'm-so-preppy-I-wear my-pearls-even-while-fucking-Andrew-McCarthy necklace. To pick up her albums. In a skirt and pearls. And one of the albums she takes? Mahler. Because 22-year-olds are so fond of Mahler. If they were real people I'd have to kill them. You're 22. Go audition for the Real World.

Top Five Best High School Movies:
(Old School)

5. Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (Tie)
Valley Girl (Tie)
4. Sixteen Candles
3. Heathers
2. Say Anything
1. Can't Buy Me Love

Tell Me A Story

Now that Pat Croce isn’t on in the afternoons anymore I’ve been watching a lot of TLC while I get ready for work. There is nothing that makes me more ready to face the news of the day like a two-hour “Wedding Story” marathon.

Top Five Least Popular TLC Shows:

5. A Paternity Suit Story
4. A Tooth Extraction Story
3. A Five-Week Heroin-Induced Coma Story
2. A One-Night Stand Story
1. A DWI Story

It's Not Unusual

Top Five Things That Annoy Me More Than Anything
(so… many… things…)

5. Reality show contestants
4. When people don’t return emails (you know who you are)
3. Yogurt with fruit on the bottom
2. People who block the subway door
1. Having to wait

Excuse Me

Top Five Excuses For Not Writing Lately:

5. Was at a Cheers convention in Vegas
4. Had to fly to CA to testify in Michael Jackson trial
3. Was writing a protest rap to free Mumia
2. Too busy working on Jorge Posada voodoo doll
1. Went to D.C. to give Condi some pointers on North Korea

(Wait a second... I've never been to D.C.)

By the way, tonight on ESPN Classic it's the Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame... Art Modell (whoever he is) for moving the Browns to Baltimore. I guess that's a football team?

I am such a loser that I'm watching a show on PBS about 70's songwriters. I wish I had some pot.

This and That

Living la vida leopard

*Some sadist at work insists on watching “American Idol” every Tuesday night and I think he should be prosecuted for human rights violations.

*I was feeling very art deco tonight, so I came home and made myself a martini. Unfortunately it was disgusting and I had to throw it out after two sips. I have to face facts that I’m just a wussy beer drinker.

*Every night on ESPN Classic there is a show called “Five Reasons You Can’t Blame… Steve Bartman.” The ellipses suggest there are other episodes, but it’s been Steve Bartman every night this week. What about Bill Buckner? What about… okay, I’m no Sports Guy, I can’t think of anyone else. But why did they make a show about Steve Bartman that's on every night?

*The Mouse Alert has been elevated to Yellow (High) because Snoop has been stalking something behind the microwave all day. Hopefully it's just another harmless mastodon-sized bug.

Again, keeping the list to just five will be difficult…

Top Five Leopard Print Things I Own

5. Faux fur jacket from H&M
4. Furry pillow
3. Mouse Ears from Disney
2. Slippers
1. (TIE) CUTE pink and leopard purse
(TIE) Flask, which I’ve never used, but will once I graduate to straight vokka

Happy Hell-idays

Happy Mother’s Day to my friends (none of whom have computers) who chose to pollute the planet with their DNA!

Top Five Worst Holidays to Wait Tables (with commentary):

5. BC Graduation (Especially at Pizzeria Uno’s where it’s an orgy of virgin pina coladas and free coke refills. Not to mention you’re dealing with families who think Uno’s is an appropriate place to celebrate the culmination of four years and 60Gs.)

4. St. Patrick’s Day at the Stockyard (four million sweaty, slobbering Brighton townies who have been drinking since 9 am and are too wasted to see, speak, or get out of my way, but not too wasted to dance to that traditional Irish favorite “Brown-Eyed Girl.”)

3. Thanksgiving (The year I worked at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving, it was all cross-eyed, twitchy mutants and their moms, clearly too socially retarded to interact with other human beings, which is why they were at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving in the first place. I wish I were exaggerating.)

2. Valentine’s Day (Table after table of greasy-haired guys with thick chests and thicker Mass. accents accompanied by acrylic-nailed, fake-tanned, Tiffany-heart-bracelet-wearing hairdressers asking to sample the White Zin.)

1. Mother’s Day (Restaurant full of people who hate their mothers and mothers who hate their children, trying, sometimes successfully, not to make a scene.)

1a. While not technically a holiday, I once worked a Christmas party for 60 DMV employees, but I still can’t talk about it.

On the other hand, to be fair and balanced, rehearsal dinners and New Year’s Eve are fun to work because everyone is happy, drunk, and most importantly, generous.

Stockyard? More like the Rockyard!

Lazy

Top Five Things I Would Never Say

5. “More soy, please.”
4. “I got up at 6 am to go running.”
3. “Another drink? I can’t, I have to go home.”
2. “When does hockey start?”
1. “I can’t wait to move back to Albany."