Monday, May 09, 2005

Happy Hell-idays

Happy Mother’s Day to my friends (none of whom have computers) who chose to pollute the planet with their DNA!

Top Five Worst Holidays to Wait Tables (with commentary):

5. BC Graduation (Especially at Pizzeria Uno’s where it’s an orgy of virgin pina coladas and free coke refills. Not to mention you’re dealing with families who think Uno’s is an appropriate place to celebrate the culmination of four years and 60Gs.)

4. St. Patrick’s Day at the Stockyard (four million sweaty, slobbering Brighton townies who have been drinking since 9 am and are too wasted to see, speak, or get out of my way, but not too wasted to dance to that traditional Irish favorite “Brown-Eyed Girl.”)

3. Thanksgiving (The year I worked at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving, it was all cross-eyed, twitchy mutants and their moms, clearly too socially retarded to interact with other human beings, which is why they were at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving in the first place. I wish I were exaggerating.)

2. Valentine’s Day (Table after table of greasy-haired guys with thick chests and thicker Mass. accents accompanied by acrylic-nailed, fake-tanned, Tiffany-heart-bracelet-wearing hairdressers asking to sample the White Zin.)

1. Mother’s Day (Restaurant full of people who hate their mothers and mothers who hate their children, trying, sometimes successfully, not to make a scene.)

1a. While not technically a holiday, I once worked a Christmas party for 60 DMV employees, but I still can’t talk about it.

On the other hand, to be fair and balanced, rehearsal dinners and New Year’s Eve are fun to work because everyone is happy, drunk, and most importantly, generous.

Stockyard? More like the Rockyard!

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