Twelve Steps

Kate has agreed to be in a documentary about addiction. She doesn’t know she will soon face an intervention.

Kate: My name is Kate. K-A-T-E. I’m addicted to downloading crappy music from iTunes. I don’t how I got started. It just sort of snuck up on me. Of course I’d heard about iTunes before, but I wasn’t that familiar with it. I didn’t even know how to download music. Yeah, I had friends who did it, but I was always like “I could never do that.” Then one day I happened to click on the web site and I found a list of ‘80s One-hit wonders. That was all it took.

Kate was on iTunes for seven hours Saturday night.

Kate: The first song I ever downloaded was “I Don’t Like Mondays” by the Boomtown Rats. I’ve loved that song since high school. I put it on every mixed tape I made from 1988 to 1990. I lost it when all my tapes mysteriously disappeared last year. So to just find the song there, waiting for me… and for only 99 cents… I mean, what would you do?

Soon Kate was downloading Dolly Parton and Barry Manilow.

Snoop (House Cat): Kate’s always had terrible taste in music. She owns a Carpenters CD. Sometimes she makes me dance with her to “What’s New Pussycat.” It’s scary when she does that. I'm afraid this easy access to ‘70s power ballads and one-click buying will push her over the edge. If she doesn’t get this intervention… I don’t know what will happen.

Yesterday, Snoop walked in on Kate browsing Jennifer Lopez songs.

Jeff (Interventionist): Hi, I’m Jeff. We’re here to talk about Kate’s intervention tomorrow. What I need from you is to say what you will do if she refuses this offer of help. Snoop, since you’re the only one here, why don’t you start.

Snoop: If you don’t accept this help today, I probably won’t do anything different because I’m a cat.

Jeff: Great. Thanks. Now all we can do is cross our fingers.

* * *

Kate: I’m so glad work is over. I can’t wait to go home and download Britney Spears. (Enters apartment) Who the hell are you? What are you doing to my computer?

Jeff: I’m Jeff. Kate, your cat, and I’m sure your friends, if you have any, really care about you and want to get you help.

Kate: Fuck you. I don’t need help. I need the Divinyls.

Snoop: I can’t take it anymore! Little River Band, Al Stewart, a-ha… it’s got to stop. You’re spending a dollar a song! A dollar a song! Don’t you see how you’re hurting yourself?!!

Kate: I don’t care. It’s not that bad. I won’t stop! HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO STOP THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER LOVED???!!!!

Jeff: Look, there are people who can help you. Won’t you let them?

Kate: I can’t, I can’t. Don’t you see, I can’t? I have nothing else. I can’t live in a world without the Spice Girls, I can’t.

Jeff: We’re gonna get you help for that. There’s a place for people just like you. Will you accept this help today?

Snoop: Say yes! And feed me.

Jeff: Will you accept this help today?

Kate: I don’t have a choice do I?

Jeff: No. You’re out of options. Will you go to treatment?

Kate: Can I drink there?

Jeff: Sure.

Kate: Okay.

Snoop: Thank god! Now feed me.

Kate spent 90 days living in a fourth-floor Williamsburg walk-up with a bunch of squatters in a rock band. She returned home and was Neil Diamond-free for three weeks. On the twenty-second day she bought Harry Nilsson’s Greatest Hits.