I’m suffering from post-Meatster/Opening Day melancholia and have been feeling hella depressed all week (I can sell the slang, right?). I was just about to buy some cigarettes and turn on Lifetime, but then I found a show on NGC about lions eating people and I’m starting to feel better. Nothing like a little carnage to kick off the holiday weekend. Wow, this is one bad-ass lion. It’s already killed 49 people and we’re only 41 minutes into the show. I need to get me one of those.
“Something else must be driving this lion to target people as prey…” Oh, let me guess, it’s the humans’ fault, right? Those African villagers and their CO2 emissions are heating the earth, melting the ice caps and pissing off the lions? What a surprise. Oh wait, it turns out the lion had a toothache. Apparently, to lions, people are the equivalent of mashed potatoes and they can eat them through a straw. That’s good to know. I will take The Snoop to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ASAP.
On an unrelated note, I’d like to thank Amtrak for turning my innocuous four-hour jaunt from Boston to New York into a nine-hour ordeal that even the Donner party would bitch about. Thanks, Amtrak.
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