I’m suffering from post-Meatster/Opening Day melancholia and have been feeling hella depressed all week (I can sell the slang, right?). I was just about to buy some cigarettes and turn on Lifetime, but then I found a show on NGC about lions eating people and I’m starting to feel better. Nothing like a little carnage to kick off the holiday weekend. Wow, this is one bad-ass lion. It’s already killed 49 people and we’re only 41 minutes into the show. I need to get me one of those.
“Something else must be driving this lion to target people as prey…” Oh, let me guess, it’s the humans’ fault, right? Those African villagers and their CO2 emissions are heating the earth, melting the ice caps and pissing off the lions? What a surprise. Oh wait, it turns out the lion had a toothache. Apparently, to lions, people are the equivalent of mashed potatoes and they can eat them through a straw. That’s good to know. I will take The Snoop to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ASAP.
On an unrelated note, I’d like to thank Amtrak for turning my innocuous four-hour jaunt from Boston to New York into a nine-hour ordeal that even the Donner party would bitch about. Thanks, Amtrak.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Born Again
I really need to stop watching cable because now I’m worried about an impending "perfect" solar storm that will knock out power across the globe for months, resulting in a situation where I’ll have to kill and roast my cat over a candle flame just to have something eat. Thanks, Discovery Channel. As if I didn’t already have enough to worry about with all the rampaging elephants and mega-tsunamis.
You know baseball is long overdue when the afternoon lineup on the sports channels includes curling, soccer, arena football, ultimate fighting, NASCAR and triathlon. The YES Network, however, thoughtfully whet (whetted?) our baseball appetites this afternoon with Alex Rodriguez: 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI's. I happen to know that the original title of the show before A-Rod’s lawyers got involved was Alex Rodriguez: 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI’s, 2 Purple Lips and A Whole Lotta Slappin’! Ahh, Opening Day! A shiny blank slate with 162 games’ worth of A-Rod jokes to look forward to.
Here are some predictions for the 2006 season:
*Johnny Damon and his wife will run up a $250,000 bill at Scores and be asked to leave when they try to have a threesome in the Champagne Room with Anna Benson
*The woman who had Randy Johnson’s “love child” will miraculously regain her eyesight, see a picture of Johnson and immediately kill herself
*Ronan Tynan will stretch "God Bless America" into an unprecedented 87 minutes
*Ronan Tynan will be beaten to death while waiting for the D train
*Mike Piazza, emboldened by the laid-back culture of Southern California, will dye his hair blonde, take up surfing and move in with his pool boy
*A Yankee fan somewhere will say “youse”
*A-Rod and Jeter will finally set a date
Happy Opening Day!
You know baseball is long overdue when the afternoon lineup on the sports channels includes curling, soccer, arena football, ultimate fighting, NASCAR and triathlon. The YES Network, however, thoughtfully whet (whetted?) our baseball appetites this afternoon with Alex Rodriguez: 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI's. I happen to know that the original title of the show before A-Rod’s lawyers got involved was Alex Rodriguez: 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI’s, 2 Purple Lips and A Whole Lotta Slappin’! Ahh, Opening Day! A shiny blank slate with 162 games’ worth of A-Rod jokes to look forward to.
Here are some predictions for the 2006 season:
*Johnny Damon and his wife will run up a $250,000 bill at Scores and be asked to leave when they try to have a threesome in the Champagne Room with Anna Benson
*The woman who had Randy Johnson’s “love child” will miraculously regain her eyesight, see a picture of Johnson and immediately kill herself
*Ronan Tynan will stretch "God Bless America" into an unprecedented 87 minutes
*Ronan Tynan will be beaten to death while waiting for the D train
*Mike Piazza, emboldened by the laid-back culture of Southern California, will dye his hair blonde, take up surfing and move in with his pool boy
*A Yankee fan somewhere will say “youse”
*A-Rod and Jeter will finally set a date
Happy Opening Day!
Monday, February 27, 2006
Cry For Help
Signs you have an unhealthy obsession with The Sopranos due to not having anything else meaningful in your life:
*You have a crush on Vincent Curatola
*You start to think New Jersey might not be a bad place to live
*You currently have seven unwatched episodes stored on your DVR and are rationing them so they will last until the new season begins
*You've renamed your cat Silvio
*You googled Drea De Matteo at work tonight (and you’re not a lesbian)
*You wish you could send Furio upstairs to beat the crap out of your neighbor
*Your hatred for Meadow burns hotter than a thousand suns
*You are fanatically following the John “Jr.” Gotti trial in the Post
*You were thinking about the Lufthansa heist when you went to JFK last week (Sopranos, Goodfellas... whatever)
*You've considered taking your mom’s Italian maiden name
*You try to remember all the swear words you learned from your grandma, whose Italian vocabulary was mainly comprised of ways to call your uncle’s girlfriend a whore
*You know exactly how many minutes there are until March 12 at 9 pm
*You have a crush on Vincent Curatola
*You start to think New Jersey might not be a bad place to live
*You currently have seven unwatched episodes stored on your DVR and are rationing them so they will last until the new season begins
*You've renamed your cat Silvio
*You googled Drea De Matteo at work tonight (and you’re not a lesbian)
*You wish you could send Furio upstairs to beat the crap out of your neighbor
*Your hatred for Meadow burns hotter than a thousand suns
*You are fanatically following the John “Jr.” Gotti trial in the Post
*You were thinking about the Lufthansa heist when you went to JFK last week (Sopranos, Goodfellas... whatever)
*You've considered taking your mom’s Italian maiden name
*You try to remember all the swear words you learned from your grandma, whose Italian vocabulary was mainly comprised of ways to call your uncle’s girlfriend a whore
*You know exactly how many minutes there are until March 12 at 9 pm
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Special Victims
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Hi! I like Law & Order SVU too! The thing is, I prefer to watch it in my own apartment at a reasonable volume. If you could be so kind as to please turn down your TV, I would be eternally grateful. Thank you so much!
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Hi there, it’s me again. I really hate to keep harping on this, but your TV is still quite loud and I’m trying to do some work down here. That dun-dun sound effect really breaks my concentration.
But hey, how about that Chris Meloni! He goes to my gym! We both like to use the chest press, and sometimes I use treadmill 17 right after he does. I’m not supposed to talk to him anymore (stupid judge!), but maybe if you turned down your TV I could introduce you. Think about it! Thanks.
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
I know, I know, my ears are probably just sensitive, but your TV is still a tad loud. I wouldn’t keep bothering you, but Mariska Hargitay’s voice really upsets me. If you could just turn it down a smidge, thanks.
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Look, I’ve asked you nicely three times. I would hate for anything to happen to you guys or that cat you think no one knows you have. I don’t want to resort to anything so silly as “legal action” or having to call the landlord, but if you don’t turn it down I can’t be responsible for what happens.
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Seriously, turn it down.
***
DEAR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR ASSHOLES:
TURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING TV OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!
I DON’T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL BECAUSE THE CLOVEN-HOOFED RICHARD BELZER IS THE SUCCUBUS and ICE-T is the SNAKE who lives in the LOINS of the DARK MASTER!!!!!!!!!
DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!
Hi! I like Law & Order SVU too! The thing is, I prefer to watch it in my own apartment at a reasonable volume. If you could be so kind as to please turn down your TV, I would be eternally grateful. Thank you so much!
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Hi there, it’s me again. I really hate to keep harping on this, but your TV is still quite loud and I’m trying to do some work down here. That dun-dun sound effect really breaks my concentration.
But hey, how about that Chris Meloni! He goes to my gym! We both like to use the chest press, and sometimes I use treadmill 17 right after he does. I’m not supposed to talk to him anymore (stupid judge!), but maybe if you turned down your TV I could introduce you. Think about it! Thanks.
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
I know, I know, my ears are probably just sensitive, but your TV is still a tad loud. I wouldn’t keep bothering you, but Mariska Hargitay’s voice really upsets me. If you could just turn it down a smidge, thanks.
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Look, I’ve asked you nicely three times. I would hate for anything to happen to you guys or that cat you think no one knows you have. I don’t want to resort to anything so silly as “legal action” or having to call the landlord, but if you don’t turn it down I can’t be responsible for what happens.
***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:
Seriously, turn it down.
***
DEAR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR ASSHOLES:
TURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING TV OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!
I DON’T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL BECAUSE THE CLOVEN-HOOFED RICHARD BELZER IS THE SUCCUBUS and ICE-T is the SNAKE who lives in the LOINS of the DARK MASTER!!!!!!!!!
DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Off Broadway
Rejected play first drafts:
Cat in a Pot of Boiling Water
by Tennessee Williams
A Streetcar Named M-11
by Tennessee Williams
Twelve Mildly Disgruntled State Workers
by Reginald Rose
Romeo and Mercutio
by William Shakespeare
Long Day’s Journey Into Teaneck
by Eugene O’Neill
Master Harold…and the Boys from the Ice Show
by Athol Fugard
Our Town Sucks
by Thornton Wilder
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern Are My Two Dads
by Tom Stoppard
Oedipus Bangs His Mom
by Sophocles
Cat in a Pot of Boiling Water
by Tennessee Williams
A Streetcar Named M-11
by Tennessee Williams
Twelve Mildly Disgruntled State Workers
by Reginald Rose
Romeo and Mercutio
by William Shakespeare
Long Day’s Journey Into Teaneck
by Eugene O’Neill
Master Harold…and the Boys from the Ice Show
by Athol Fugard
Our Town Sucks
by Thornton Wilder
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern Are My Two Dads
by Tom Stoppard
Oedipus Bangs His Mom
by Sophocles
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Home Sweet Home
How to annoy me at home:
*Live upstairs and clomp around on your uncarpeted hardwood floor in platform shoes or, alternatively, when in bare feet, take really big steps, using as much force as possible
*Live upstairs and watch Law & Order with the volume turned up to one billion so I can't hear The Sopranos
*Call me before noon
*Play with your furry mice at 4 am^
*Play with a real mouse at 4 am^
*Climb the mini-blinds and hang from them^
*Act like you haven’t eaten in three years every time I walk by the kitchen even if you actually ate 10 minutes ago AND you have a full bowl of dry food^
*And when I do feed you, gobble it down as fast as possible so you can throw it up two minutes later^
*Try to wedge your UPS truck past the moving van parked in the middle of the street so when the inevitable cab gets stuck behind you the driver will lean on his horn for 40 minutes
*Be Oprah
^Cats only
Coming Soon: How to annoy me on the subway
*Live upstairs and clomp around on your uncarpeted hardwood floor in platform shoes or, alternatively, when in bare feet, take really big steps, using as much force as possible
*Live upstairs and watch Law & Order with the volume turned up to one billion so I can't hear The Sopranos
*Call me before noon
*Play with your furry mice at 4 am^
*Play with a real mouse at 4 am^
*Climb the mini-blinds and hang from them^
*Act like you haven’t eaten in three years every time I walk by the kitchen even if you actually ate 10 minutes ago AND you have a full bowl of dry food^
*And when I do feed you, gobble it down as fast as possible so you can throw it up two minutes later^
*Try to wedge your UPS truck past the moving van parked in the middle of the street so when the inevitable cab gets stuck behind you the driver will lean on his horn for 40 minutes
*Be Oprah
^Cats only
Coming Soon: How to annoy me on the subway
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