Rejected play first drafts:
Cat in a Pot of Boiling Water
by Tennessee Williams
A Streetcar Named M-11
by Tennessee Williams
Twelve Mildly Disgruntled State Workers
by Reginald Rose
Romeo and Mercutio
by William Shakespeare
Long Day’s Journey Into Teaneck
by Eugene O’Neill
Master Harold…and the Boys from the Ice Show
by Athol Fugard
Our Town Sucks
by Thornton Wilder
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern Are My Two Dads
by Tom Stoppard
Oedipus Bangs His Mom
by Sophocles
Friday, January 27, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Home Sweet Home
How to annoy me at home:
*Live upstairs and clomp around on your uncarpeted hardwood floor in platform shoes or, alternatively, when in bare feet, take really big steps, using as much force as possible
*Live upstairs and watch Law & Order with the volume turned up to one billion so I can't hear The Sopranos
*Call me before noon
*Play with your furry mice at 4 am^
*Play with a real mouse at 4 am^
*Climb the mini-blinds and hang from them^
*Act like you haven’t eaten in three years every time I walk by the kitchen even if you actually ate 10 minutes ago AND you have a full bowl of dry food^
*And when I do feed you, gobble it down as fast as possible so you can throw it up two minutes later^
*Try to wedge your UPS truck past the moving van parked in the middle of the street so when the inevitable cab gets stuck behind you the driver will lean on his horn for 40 minutes
*Be Oprah
^Cats only
Coming Soon: How to annoy me on the subway
*Live upstairs and clomp around on your uncarpeted hardwood floor in platform shoes or, alternatively, when in bare feet, take really big steps, using as much force as possible
*Live upstairs and watch Law & Order with the volume turned up to one billion so I can't hear The Sopranos
*Call me before noon
*Play with your furry mice at 4 am^
*Play with a real mouse at 4 am^
*Climb the mini-blinds and hang from them^
*Act like you haven’t eaten in three years every time I walk by the kitchen even if you actually ate 10 minutes ago AND you have a full bowl of dry food^
*And when I do feed you, gobble it down as fast as possible so you can throw it up two minutes later^
*Try to wedge your UPS truck past the moving van parked in the middle of the street so when the inevitable cab gets stuck behind you the driver will lean on his horn for 40 minutes
*Be Oprah
^Cats only
Coming Soon: How to annoy me on the subway
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Lame
I think that HBO should refund part of my monthly fee every time Meadow sings on The Sopranos. They are showing season two, and she sings every freaking episode. I should have completely free cable by now. Shut up Meadow.
I know I am five, but I still think it’s really funny when dog show announcers say “bitch,” as in “I’ve been living with that bitch for seven years.” Also I'm sure I was the only person in the U.S. flipping back and forth between the Eukanuba dog show and the Pats game Saturday night (and Dirty Dancing on Oxygen, of course). I am such a waste of a MetroCard.
I know I am five, but I still think it’s really funny when dog show announcers say “bitch,” as in “I’ve been living with that bitch for seven years.” Also I'm sure I was the only person in the U.S. flipping back and forth between the Eukanuba dog show and the Pats game Saturday night (and Dirty Dancing on Oxygen, of course). I am such a waste of a MetroCard.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Do, Re, Mi
The reason I always make fun of white trash is because I’m only a Poconos time-share away from being white trash myself. Case in point, I plan to leave my Christmas lights up all year, I love Hershey Bars and I won $1,000 on a scratch ticket last week. That doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I want my peeps to know I’m keeping it real.
The Nazis in the Sound of Music have to be the dumbest Nazis ever. Do you mean to tell me they posted guards all over the auditorium during the festival but no one was watching the door? And didn’t Max get punished for so obviously helping the von Trapps escape? And why weren’t the nuns immediately taken to a concentration camp after they dismantled the Nazis’ cars? The only Nazi who showed any initiative was Rolf, and it was probably just because Liesl refused to, shall we say, “deliver his telegram” in the gazebo that night.
Lessons I’ve learned from the Sound of Music
-The Nazis in Salzburg in September 1939 just didn’t care
-When you’re sixteen going on seventeen, it’s best not to get involved with Nazi youth because they will turn you in at the end of the movie unless you put out
-Governesses are man-stealing bitches (just ask the Baroness)
-While a stiff drink and a lap dance may be among the captain’s favorite things, they are not part of the song
-No one, and I mean no one, knows how to solve a problem like Maria
-The hills may be alive with the sound of music, but it could also be those mushrooms you ate
The Nazis in the Sound of Music have to be the dumbest Nazis ever. Do you mean to tell me they posted guards all over the auditorium during the festival but no one was watching the door? And didn’t Max get punished for so obviously helping the von Trapps escape? And why weren’t the nuns immediately taken to a concentration camp after they dismantled the Nazis’ cars? The only Nazi who showed any initiative was Rolf, and it was probably just because Liesl refused to, shall we say, “deliver his telegram” in the gazebo that night.
Lessons I’ve learned from the Sound of Music
-The Nazis in Salzburg in September 1939 just didn’t care
-When you’re sixteen going on seventeen, it’s best not to get involved with Nazi youth because they will turn you in at the end of the movie unless you put out
-Governesses are man-stealing bitches (just ask the Baroness)
-While a stiff drink and a lap dance may be among the captain’s favorite things, they are not part of the song
-No one, and I mean no one, knows how to solve a problem like Maria
-The hills may be alive with the sound of music, but it could also be those mushrooms you ate
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