Fan Mail

Letters To Artists on my 70s Music Cable Channel

Dear Tony Orlando (and Dawn):
While I appreciate your suggestion I knock three times on the ceiling, I prefer guys who have the balls to ring my doorbell.

Sincerely,
The Girl Downstairs

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Dear Heart:
He is not a magic man. I guarantee he’ll knock you up, beat the shit out of you and pimp your ass for crack. But hey, it’s your life, I’ll TRY to understand. I only spent 72 hours in labor. What do I know?

Sincerely,
Your Mother

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Dear Bread:
Baby I’m-a want you? WTF does that mean? Freak.

And Don’t Call Me Baby

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Dear Dan Hill:
Yes, I agree. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty IS too much. Especially with those big oozing zits all over your back. You think YOU want to close your eyes and hide? As for holding me till we both break down and cry, believe me, buddy, that ship has sailed.

Sincerely,
Your (Ex) Girlfriend

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Dear Rod Stewart:
Yeah, like I want your body. And the 32 STDs that come with it. Gross!
And like, hello! 78-year-old men should NOT wear spandex.

Sincerely,
The 14-Year-Old You’re Hitting On