Abandon All Hope, Y'all

I’m still reading (and by "reading" I mean "carrying around in my bag") The Inferno and I can’t help but notice how similar Hell is the subway. In fact, I made a chart:

Hell vs. NYC Subways

Hell	NY Subway
Multi-level	Multi-level
“Steaming from that pit, a vapor rose/over the banks, crusting them with a slime/ that sickened my eyes and hammered at my nose”	River of radioactive sludge on tracks at 59th St.
“And here the stink/ thrown up by the abyss so overpowered us/ that we drew back, cowering behind the wall”	Unrelenting stench of urine, abscessed flesh, rotting tumor and human feces
“The wood leaped with black bitches, swift as greyhounds escaping from their leash”	Rats as big as greyhounds
“Behold the beast that makes the whole world stink”	The guy who's been riding the A train for three days
Sinners there for eternity	People waiting for a C train on a Saturday morning there for eternity
Hot	Really hot
Free	$2.00

Speaking of subways, one thing I've learned after (almost) a year in NYC: If all the subway cars are full, and one is empty, it’s empty for a reason. Like a dead body or no A/C. I think last night they were blowing poison gas into the car as well because although the heat didn’t bother me, by the time I got to 86th St. I was drowsy and hallucinating.

*** Things annoying me tonight:

Having to see an Amstel Light commercial while I’m at work and can’t have one.
The Red Sox lost to the freaking Devil Rays AGAIN.
Everyone on The Restaurant, from Rocco the toolbox to his scumbag bridge and tunnel customers. (I do love the catty staff, though.)
My supreme dorkiness.

If Fishes Were Horses

I know I always complain about baseball announcers, but the Chicago White Sox announcers are the WORST. They sound like they are on Quaaludes and they have absolutely nothing insightful to say WHATsoever. At least, unlike the Texas announcers, they weren't being all stalky about Johnny Damon last night.

What is this new thing where jeans cost hundreds of dollars? That’s the biggest scam since the $1-per-item pick-your-own-toppings salads that have taken over New York. I just saw an ad for $92 Wranglers. Wranglers! Don’t they sell those on QVC?

(Actually I’d have to ask my mom to answer that one, she is the queen of QVC.)

The latest commercial that annoys me is the Coors Light one in which the people are playing volleyball on the beach and are all hot and sweaty, and then a train comes along carrying Coors Light and makes everything snowy and cold. If I were on the beach, enjoying the sun and a nice hot day, and a train came along and ruined it, I would take someone out with my beach chair. Especially if the train were carrying Coors Light. First the train gives me hypothermia, then it brings me cases of carbonated horse urine. Not cool.

I actually had the opportunity to go out tonight but I am opting to stay in and watch the History channel because I am a winner. I am, however, watching a fascinating episode of Modern Marvels about the history of commercial fishing which begs the question, if dolphins and whales are mammals, why do they try to pass themselves off as fish? What are they trying to prove? If you're a mammal you should be furry and live on land. Not scaly and living in water. Either be a mammal or be a fish. You can't have it both ways.

Even The Nights Are Better

Thanks to some commercial or TV show I saw recently, I have that Air Supply “All Out Of Love” song in my head. When I looked up the lyrics to find out the rest of the chorus (because I kept singing the “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost withOUT you…” part without knowing the rest, and it was driving me crazy), I inadvertently found the lyrics to “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All,” which means I now have TWO Air Supply songs playing over and over in my head and I want to kill myself. One Air Supply song is okay, two Air Supply songs is a human rights violation.

All-Star Break

I know I’ve been slacking lately. I had to go to Albany last weekend and since then I’ve been a little distracted. The good news is the rat carcass on the tracks at Rock Center is now nothing but a flattened rotting skeleton. It’s been quite a privilege to watch it decompose over the past few weeks.

Yesterday, I went to Gristede’s twice (even though I hate it), and both times I heard the song “Both Sides Now,” and what’s weird is it was two different versions. One was the Joni Mitchell version and the other sounded like Judy Collins. I wonder if that means something. Because when you get down to it, I really DON’T know clouds at all.