Lion's Den

I’m suffering from post-Meatster/Opening Day melancholia and have been feeling hella depressed all week (I can sell the slang, right?). I was just about to buy some cigarettes and turn on Lifetime, but then I found a show on NGC about lions eating people and I’m starting to feel better. Nothing like a little carnage to kick off the holiday weekend. Wow, this is one bad-ass lion. It’s already killed 49 people and we’re only 41 minutes into the show. I need to get me one of those.

“Something else must be driving this lion to target people as prey…” Oh, let me guess, it’s the humans’ fault, right? Those African villagers and their CO2 emissions are heating the earth, melting the ice caps and pissing off the lions? What a surprise. Oh wait, it turns out the lion had a toothache. Apparently, to lions, people are the equivalent of mashed potatoes and they can eat them through a straw. That’s good to know. I will take The Snoop to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ASAP.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to thank Amtrak for turning my innocuous four-hour jaunt from Boston to New York into a nine-hour ordeal that even the Donner party would bitch about. Thanks, Amtrak.

Born Again

I really need to stop watching cable because now I’m worried about an impending "perfect" solar storm that will knock out power across the globe for months, resulting in a situation where I’ll have to kill and roast my cat over a candle flame just to have something eat. Thanks, Discovery Channel. As if I didn’t already have enough to worry about with all the rampaging elephants and mega-tsunamis.

You know baseball is long overdue when the afternoon lineup on the sports channels includes curling, soccer, arena football, ultimate fighting, NASCAR and triathlon. The YES Network, however, thoughtfully whet (whetted?) our baseball appetites this afternoon with Alex Rodriguez: 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI's. I happen to know that the original title of the show before A-Rod’s lawyers got involved was Alex Rodriguez: 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI’s, 2 Purple Lips and A Whole Lotta Slappin’! Ahh, Opening Day! A shiny blank slate with 162 games’ worth of A-Rod jokes to look forward to.

Here are some predictions for the 2006 season:

*Johnny Damon and his wife will run up a $250,000 bill at Scores and be asked to leave when they try to have a threesome in the Champagne Room with Anna Benson
*The woman who had Randy Johnson’s “love child” will miraculously regain her eyesight, see a picture of Johnson and immediately kill herself
*Ronan Tynan will stretch "God Bless America" into an unprecedented 87 minutes
*Ronan Tynan will be beaten to death while waiting for the D train
*Mike Piazza, emboldened by the laid-back culture of Southern California, will dye his hair blonde, take up surfing and move in with his pool boy
*A Yankee fan somewhere will say “youse”
*A-Rod and Jeter will finally set a date

Happy Opening Day!