Cry For Help

Signs you have an unhealthy obsession with The Sopranos due to not having anything else meaningful in your life:

*You have a crush on Vincent Curatola
*You start to think New Jersey might not be a bad place to live
*You currently have seven unwatched episodes stored on your DVR and are rationing them so they will last until the new season begins
*You've renamed your cat Silvio
*You googled Drea De Matteo at work tonight (and you’re not a lesbian)
*You wish you could send Furio upstairs to beat the crap out of your neighbor
*Your hatred for Meadow burns hotter than a thousand suns
*You are fanatically following the John “Jr.” Gotti trial in the Post
*You were thinking about the Lufthansa heist when you went to JFK last week (Sopranos, Goodfellas... whatever)
*You've considered taking your mom’s Italian maiden name
*You try to remember all the swear words you learned from your grandma, whose Italian vocabulary was mainly comprised of ways to call your uncle’s girlfriend a whore
*You know exactly how many minutes there are until March 12 at 9 pm

Special Victims

Dear Upstairs Neighbors:

Hi! I like Law & Order SVU too! The thing is, I prefer to watch it in my own apartment at a reasonable volume. If you could be so kind as to please turn down your TV, I would be eternally grateful. Thank you so much!

***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:

Hi there, it’s me again. I really hate to keep harping on this, but your TV is still quite loud and I’m trying to do some work down here. That dun-dun sound effect really breaks my concentration.

But hey, how about that Chris Meloni! He goes to my gym! We both like to use the chest press, and sometimes I use treadmill 17 right after he does. I’m not supposed to talk to him anymore (stupid judge!), but maybe if you turned down your TV I could introduce you. Think about it! Thanks.

***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:

I know, I know, my ears are probably just sensitive, but your TV is still a tad loud. I wouldn’t keep bothering you, but Mariska Hargitay’s voice really upsets me. If you could just turn it down a smidge, thanks.

***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:

Look, I’ve asked you nicely three times. I would hate for anything to happen to you guys or that cat you think no one knows you have. I don’t want to resort to anything so silly as “legal action” or having to call the landlord, but if you don’t turn it down I can’t be responsible for what happens.

***
Dear Upstairs Neighbors:

Seriously, turn it down.

***
DEAR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR ASSHOLES:

TURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING TV OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!

I DON’T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL BECAUSE THE CLOVEN-HOOFED RICHARD BELZER IS THE SUCCUBUS and ICE-T is the SNAKE who lives in the LOINS of the DARK MASTER!!!!!!!!!

DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!