Higher Standards of Sucking

Ken Lewis, the Chief Executive Cocksucker of Bank of America, should be charged with war crimes. He and his Janjaweed henchmen deserve to die brutally, face down in a river of blood - the blood of the customers they have so systematically fucked over since the beginning of time. How much longer must the atrocities continue? Oh, the humanity.

Later, Gators

I think breast cancer was just an excuse for A-Rod and Jeter to play with their pink bats yesterday. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And what does breast cancer have to do with baseball anyway? Is nothing safe from the breast cancer lobby? And why can’t I watch a game anymore without having to see the smoking cancer guy or the annoying emphysema-mom kid? What ever happened to beer commercials?

I’m glad the president is speaking tonight. I only hope he addresses the most important issue facing us as a nation today, and that is the alarming number of killer alligators in Florida. We don’t need the National Guard patrolling our border. We need the National Guard patrolling the Sunshine State. How many innocent joggers have to die before the madness ends? We must stop the alligators now while the body count is still manageable. Who knows what will happen if these monsters are allowed to continue their bloodbath unchecked. A jogger here, a golfer there, the next thing you know, the alligators are strapping themselves with explosives and getting onto the A train. There is only one solution. We must nuke Florida. Not only would it solve the alligator problem, but it would also get rid of those mouse-loving freaks at Disney. We really don't have a choice. Contact your Congressman now and tell him it's time to NUKE FLORIDA.

I Want My MTV

Dear Everyone on My Super Sweet Sixteen:

No one is jealous of you, you’re not attractive and the only thing you “deserve” is a backhand across the face and herpes. The fact your parents made a lot of money selling Amway and have less common sense than my cat does not make you a princess. Maybe you should trade in your $60,000 BMW for a clue. Now shut the fuck up and get off my TV you ungrateful little twats.

Sincerely,
Kate (and the world)

That being said, I love this show. Not as much as the True Life: I Have A Summer Share because nothing beats fat guys from Jersey trying to hook up with skanks from the Shore, but it’s pretty damn good. Also, 8th & Ocean, although the vacant stares and painful attempts to articulate a thought are admittedly excruciating. Clearly, I need professional help.